Stakes And Sarcasm
by Ben Breeck
Summary: Crossover With Buffy. What if Buffy had gone to Lawndale rather than Sunnydale?


Historian's Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of _Esteemers_ and the rest of established Daria Cannon. Peter W. Guerin has _nothing_ on me.  
Opening Sequence:  
  
Rob Zombie's _Dragula_ Plays in the background, as the following montage plays:  
  
A New Girl, one who could pass as Brittany Taylor in civilian clothes, is in Principal Li's Office, grimacing as Angela Li is lecturing.  
  
Daria and Jane are in Mr. O'Niell's self-esteem class. Daria turns her head as we pan over to the new girl who is making a comment. Pan back to Daria and Jane. Daria raises an eyebrow. Pan up to Mr. O'Niell, who smiles thoughtfully and nods his head.  
  
Lawndale High Auditorium, the new girl is giving a speech. She Facefaults and covers her head as shoes come flying on stage.  
  
The Mall of the Millennium. Daria, Jane, and the new girl have gotten separated from the rest of the class, pan into a store window, where a Mannequin tilts its head to look at them.  
  
The Auditorium again. A man and a woman are chuckling behind stage, goat horns and canine teeth growing as they do.  
  
A large outdoor concert, at night. A man exits a port-a-potty, burps, and wipes his mouth. Pan over to Daria, Jane, and the new girl, each with an expression of suspicion on her respective face.  
  
Out in the woods. Quinn is acting flaky in front of Daria, then she sprouts insect wings. As Daria's eyes widen, Quinn flies away.  
  
Lawndale High, Football Field. A jerk in a letter jacket tries to put a liplock on the new girl. She punches him in the face, causing his head to snap back and him to go sprawling to the ground.  
  
Closeup of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in:  
  
**Headshrinkers**  
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction By Ben Breeck and Thea Zara.  
Pilot Episode of the Stakes and Sarcasm Crossover AU.  
  
  
Scene: Establishing Exterior Shot of Lawndale High. Cut to Angela Li's office. Angela is busy at her computer, her back to her desk and the camera. Phone rings. Angela Li wheels around and answers the phone. Music: _Teenage Dirtbag_ by Wheatus   
  
Li: Yes? (Beat) Well then, send her in. (Hangs Up)  
  
Cut to the Door, which opens to admit a girl who looks remarkably like Brittany, except that 1; she's wearing normal clothes, and 2; Her hair is loose, not gathered into two ponytails. She Closes the door. Maintain the shot as she walks up to Li's desk and sits down.  
  
Li: So, I finally get to meet you. I make it a habit to always meet new transfers.  
  
Girl: Really? I suppose that's a very frequent occurrence.  
  
Li: Not really. Those two girls just in front of you were the first new kids this semester. (Beat) So, your mother's divorced, and she's been hired to manage _Gary's Gallery_. I suppose that divorce is some explanation for your fighting. But it's no excuse.  
  
Girl: (Shrugging her shoulders) Could we just get this over with, I'm sure I'm missing class.  
  
Li: (Consulting a piece of paper) Well, it seems from these transcripts that you weren't _that_ worried about missing class.  
  
Girl: Well, getting expelled has this way of re-arranging one's priorities.  
  
Li: (Smiling Predatorily) I'm going to be blunt, young lady. Arson is a felony. I didn't approve of your entrance into this school, and I still don't. You can thank the superintendent. Despite the motto, and the visible security measures, LAWNDALE HIGH is not a reformatory, which is where you belong.  
  
Girl: But there were extenuating circumstances.  
  
Li: And I really don't want to hear them. Listen. This is not the state of California. Try anything, anything at all, and you'll get arrested and sent to where you belong. You've never experienced anyone who can destroy your life like me.  
  
Girl: You'd be surprised.  
  
Li: I doubt it. And that's afterschool detention for you. Now, Jodie can show you your first period before you can get you into more more trouble. And please treat LAWNDALE HIGH's facilities with more respect than you treated those of Hemery High's.  
  
Girl Exits the shot. Sound of a door opening and closing. Suddenly Angela begins to shake as if she's having a seizure. She puts one hand on her head and another over her breast bone, a and grips them. She stops shaking.  
  
Li: (Breathing Heavily) Easy. Easy there my Po. (Pursed Lips) Oh, dear, looks like I'll have to keep an eye out for that one.  
  
Cut to:   
  
Scene: Hallway. Jodie is escorting the new girl to class. Music: _Hitching A Ride_ by Green Day.  
  
Jodie: I didn't get your name the first time.  
  
Girl: It's Buffy. Buffy Summers.  
  
Jodie: I see. I'm Jodie, Jodie Landon. So, what brings you to this fair town?  
  
Buffy: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.  
  
Jodie: Try me.  
  
Buffy: (Visibly holding Back) Okay, I was expelled for fighting. And burning down the gymnasium of my old school.  
  
Jodie: You're right. I don't believe you. (Reaching the classroom, and Gesturing to the Door) Okay, remember. Mr. DeMartino hates stupidity. If he calls on you, better know the answer.  
  
Buffy: (Grasping the knob) Okay, I think. (Turns it and enters the classroom.)  
  
Cut to the classroom. Buffy walks from the door over to a desk beside Daria's. Daria looks over at Buffy in annoyance. Pan up to Mr. DeMartino. Music: _Genius_ By Pitchshifter  
  
DeMartino: WELL, class, LOOKS like we have ANOTHER new student. YOU must be BUFFY SUMMERS. (Evil grin) I SUPPOSE you'd like a QUESTION too...  
  
Cut to Buffy, who sighs in resignation.  
  
Cut to:  
  
Scene: Establishing shot of Lawndale High' Cafeteria. Cut to Buffy Walking, carrying a tray. Every male head (except Mack's) turning to her with surprise and awe. (Mack just turns his head and turns it straight back to Jodie, shrugging) Music: _Fashion Victim_ by Green Day  
  
Stacy: Hi, Who does your hair? Could you show me (or could you give me some tips)?  
  
Buffy turns her head, pan over to the Fashion Club table, where Sandi, Quinn, and Stacy are looking appraisingly at Buffy, and Tiffany is just staring off into space. Buffy walks into the shot and sits down at their table.  
  
Buffy: Sure I can show you  
  
Sandi: The Fashion Club is holding a membership drive. Want to come to the next meeting tomorrow afternoon at my house?  
  
Buffy: I'd love to, (sighs) it's just that the school psychologist stuck me in this afterschool self-esteem class.  
  
Sandi: (looks appalled and turns to Quinn) Well, then, Quinn, how'd you like to be vice president?  
  
Stacy: Could you show me some time? My name's Stacy, by the way.  
  
Buffy: Sure, some time. My name's Buffy.  
  
Quinn: Will it interfere too much with my dating schedule?  
  
Sandi: _Stacy,_ you can talk to losers some other time, like on your fashion sabbatical.  
  
Stacy visibly wilts.  
  
Tiffany: (to Quinn) I don't think so...  
  
Stacy: (Turning to Quinn) So, tell us about yourself, Quinn. Do you have any brothers? Sisters? Cousins?  
  
Buffy: Hel-lo! Still here! Don't _I_ get a shot?  
  
Quinn: Me? I'm an only child.  
  
Pan over to Daria eating her lunch and watching the action, a Mona Lisa smile on her face, as she subtly grits her teeth. Cut to:  
  
  
Scene: Split Screen between the Summers' residence Kitchen and Lawndale High Hallway, at a payphone. Buffy (At School) and her mother Joyce (At Home) are having a conversation.  
  
Joyce: Well, Buffy, It isn't as if getting detention your first day at a new school is a good way to start.  
  
Buffy: But that wasn't the worst of it. When I found out I'd tested out with "low self esteem" and would have to take some stupid class, the Fashion Club wouldn't give me the time of day. They let some airhead princess in instead. Even made her vice president. And where did that lady get her psych degree anyway, General Delivery University?  
  
Joyce: At least you still have the cheerleading team to try out for next week, and what about that girl who shared her history book with you? The one with the glasses?  
  
Buffy: I don't even know her name. I think she was only doing it to be a good Samaritan.  
  
Joyce: Well, If you meet her again, be sure to thank her.  
  
Buffy: I will.  
  
Joyce: Oh, and Buffy,  
  
Buffy: Yeah?  
  
Joyce: Please _try_ to stay out of trouble.  
  
Buffy: I'll do my very best. (Hangs up. End Split screen) Which probably won't be much.  
  
Commercial Break. Stinger: Buffy in Principal Li's office.  
  
  
Scene: Establishing exterior shot of Lawndale High. Cut to Mr. O'Neill's Self-Esteem class. Mr. O'Neill is lecturing. Music: _Falling Down_ by Vertical Horizon.  
  
Mr. O'Neill: Esteem... a teen. They don't really rhyme, do they? The sounds don't quite mesh. (Cut to a panning shot of the class. Buffy is once again to the side of Daria, while Jane is behind Daria. Other familiar faces include Brooke, Andrea, and Bobby Bighead) And that, in fact, is often the case when it comes to a teen and esteem. The two just don't seem to go together. But we are here to begin realizing your actuality. And when we do, each and every one of you will be able to stand proudly and proclaim, "I am." Now, before we...  
  
Cut to Daria.  
  
Daria: (interrupting) Excuse me. I have a question.   
  
Cut to O'Neill  
  
Mr. O'Neill: Sorry, question and answer time is later.   
  
Cut to Daria  
  
Daria: I want to know what "realizing your actuality" means.  
  
Cut to a wide shot behind Mr. O'Neill looking at the class.  
  
Mr. O'Neill: (pointing as he speaks) Well, for starters, Daria, or is that Cindy, if you set your mind to it, you and Jane behind you could really change the world. And you, Brooke, there's someone beautiful inside you just waiting to burst forth, and no, plastic surgery will _ not_ release her, and you, Buffy (She looks stricken), you could save the world if you try. and you, Andrea...(Buffy breaths a sigh of relief).  
  
Cut to Daria, Jane, and Buffy all in one shot.  
  
Daria: Is this guy always like this? Or did he just forget to take his insulin?  
  
Jane: Actually, this is the first time he's ever given anything close to a straight answer to that question, and I've been in this class six times now.  
  
Buffy: So, how long's he been here?  
  
Jane: Since I've been here at least, and I'm a sophomore.  
  
Daria: So, any more surprises we need to know about?  
  
Jane: I'll fill you in later.  
  
Cut to:  
  
  
Scene: The Street. Maintain the shot as Daria, Jane, and Buffy are walking along. Music: _Hush_ by Kula Shaker.  
  
Jane: So, then, after the role-playing, next class they put the girls and the guys in separate rooms and a female counselor talks to us about body image.  
  
Buffy: What do they talk to the boys about?  
  
Daria: A classroom full of guys and a male teacher?  
  
All: Nocturnal emissions.  
  
Daria: I don't get it, Jane. You've got the entire course memorized. How come you can't pass the test to get out?  
  
Jane: I could pass the test, but I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special.  
  
Cut to:  
  
  
Scene: Establishing exterior shot of the Summers's residence, A slightly run down ranch showing brick and vinyl faux wood siding. Cut to an interior shot. Buffy is closing the door. Music: _What's Wrong With Parents Today_ by NOFX.  
  
Joyce: (Off Screen) So, how was that self-esteem class?  
  
Buffy (Whipping her head around) : Mom, You know I really don't have a self-esteem problem, and what are you doing? I thought the gallery didn't close until 7:00.  
  
Cut to Joyce.  
  
Joyce: Business was slow today, so Gary decided to let me have the rest of the day off. Now, we can do some mother/daughter bonding. Maybe even do stuff like, I don't know, maybe shopping?  
  
Cut to:  
  
  
Scene: Establishing Exterior Shot of Lawndale Mall. Cut to the Dressing Rooms at Cashman's. Joyce emerges from a room in front of Buffy. Music: _No One Knows_ bu Queens of the Stone Age.  
  
Joyce: Ta-dah. Well, how does it look?  
  
Buffy: It looks like something Madonna might wear, (eyes narrowing) if she quantum leaped back to relive the recording of her debut album.  
  
Joyce: Buffy, you're starting to become such a stick in the mud. What happened to that carefree, happy-go-lucky, cheerleader girl?  
  
Buffy: She got expelled.  
  
Joyce throws up her hands in frustration.  
  
Cut to:  
  
  
Scene: School Bell Ringing. Cut to an anonymous boy in the hallway, his elbow propping him up next to Quinn's locker as she removes things from it.  
  
Boy: So... like what do you like to do after school?   
  
Quinn: Oh, nothing special. Go to the movies. Or, like, a theme park. Or, out for a really fancy meal now and then. Or maybe go to a concert if, like, I know somebody's got good seats and is renting a limo and stuff.   
  
Pan to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.  
  
Jane: You hear that? He hasn't got a prayer.   
  
Daria: Tell me about it. That's my sister.   
  
Jane: Oh. Bummer.   
  
Pan Back to Quinn and the Boy  
  
Boy: So, you've got any brothers or sisters?   
  
Quinn: I'm an only child.   
  
Pan back to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.  
  
Buffy: Think I should tell Sandi about this?  
  
Daria: Think Sandi would believe a word of it?  
  
All: Nah..  
  
Cut to:  
  
  
Scene: Timothy O'Niell's Self Esteem Class. Mr. O'Niell is Lecturing.  
  
Mr. O'Neill: So, what are we talking about when we talk about ourselves? Anyone? (points to kid) Yes.   
  
Cut to the kid.  
  
Boy: We're... talking about us.   
  
Cut back to Mr. O'Niell.  
  
Mr. O'Neill: Excellent. When we talk about "ourselves" we're talking about "us." Now, guys, I've got a little challenge for you. Today we talked about turning your daydreams into reality. Tonight, I want each one of you to go home and do just that. What do you say? Um... you. (points to Buffy) What's a daydream that you'd like to see come true?   
  
Cut to Buffy.  
  
Buffy: Well for starters, that one where I'm stranded on a deserted island with Joaquin Phoenix and a year's supply of KY Jelly seems really delicious to me.  
  
Giggles from the class. Daria's lips quirk into a Mona Lisa Smile  
  
Pan Back to Mr. O'Niell.  
  
Mr. O'Niell: I see. Anybody else? (Pointing to Daria) how about you?  
  
Daria: Well, I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together.   
  
Mr. O'Neill: Excellent!   
  
Daria: Something that'll really make them suffer.   
  
Mr. O'Neill: Uh... it's healthy to air these feelings... I think. (bell rings) We'll talk more about this tomorrow. Class dismissed.   
  
Jane: Nice one.   
  
Daria: Thanks.   
  
Mr. O'Niell: (Off Screen) Buffy, Could you see me right now?  
  
Buffy (To O'Niell) In a minute. (To Daria and Jane) Sorry. I have to talk to this bozo. Don't wait up.  
  
Daria: Don't worry. Mom and Dad would love to have you two as house guests. But don't take too long with him, _Sick, Sad World_ is doing a special hourlong episode.  
  
Jane: Don't want to miss it. It's about these weird murders that just cropped up in Daria's former town. Daria personally knows at least two of the victims.  
  
Buffy: I'll put every effort into getting there.  
  
Cut to Buffy walking over to Mr. O'Niell's desk.  
  
Buffy: So, what is this about? I mean, if it's about that daydream...  
  
Mr O'Niell: (Interrupting) No, that sort of thing is healthy for a girl of your age. I wanted to talk to you about a different subject. I've been reading through your permanent record.  
  
Buffy: Really?  
  
Mr. O'Niell: Yeah. It seems that right before you got expelled, you got into gangs and fights.   
  
Buffy: So?  
  
Mr.: O'Niell: You can't run away from your problems. They have a way of catching up to you. They can sneak up and bite you if you aren't careful.  
  
Buffy: (Eyes Wide) What are you trying to say?  
  
Mr. O'Niell: (hands her a Manilla envelope) What I'm trying to say is, you of all people really have to start saying "I am," truly start realizing your actuality. (Pats her shoulder) The sooner you start to understand this, the better a place the world's going to be. (Walks out of the shot.)  
  
Buffy opens the envelope and pulls out a soft leatherbound volume with roughly the same length and width as _The Daria Diaries_ and about four times the thickness, and facefaults. Its gold leaf Middle English style Black Letter "Gothic" type proclaims the volume to be _The Slayer's Handbook_ .  
  
Commercial Break. Stinger: Buffy answering Mr. O'Niell's Question.  
  
  
Scene: TV showing Mr. Anderson (The one who looks and sounds like Hank Hill) from _Beavis and Butthead_ , being interviewed by _Sick, Sad World_. Music: _Original Prankster_, by the Offspring.  
  
Mr. Anderson: I just knew those two were destined to come to no good end.  
  
Knock at the door.   
  
Daria: (Off Screen) Who is it?  
  
Zoom out into Daria's room. Daria and Jane are watching _Sick, Sad World_ on Daria's bed.  
  
Buffy: (Off Screen) It's me, Buffy.  
  
Daria: Come in.  
  
Cut to the Door, which opens to admit Buffy. Cut to Buffy walking over to Daria's bed.  
  
Jane: What took you so long? Show's almost half over.  
  
Buffy: Well, I could tell you it was because your mother thought I was here to see Quinn, who was over at Sandi's for a Fashion Club meeting, and could I wait a few minutes for her to come home? That _did_ happen, but the real reason was that I was busy burning a school book in an open drum in an alleyway downtown.  
  
Jane: Really? Which book? Math? English?  
  
Daria: I'm _not_ going to share my history textbook again with you, and that's final.  
  
Buffy: Don't worry, it's not a class textbook. Just an extracurricular activity rulebook that you can tell Mr. O'Niell I'm _not_ participating in. On second thought, maybe I'll tell him.  
  
Jane: What is it? The Academic Team? The School Newspaper? Drama Horizons? The Yearbook staff?  
  
Daria: Young Optimists' Society?  
  
Buffy: None of those. It's s- um, softball. Yeah, softball.  
  
Daria notices the gaffe and rolls her eyes suspiciously at Buffy. Pan and Zoom into the TV screen, where we see several dead bodies.  
  
_Sick Sad World_ Announcer: The Animal Sciences and Biological Sciences departments at Tarleton State University are speculating on the possibility of a new species of bat.  
  
Cut to Buffy, who, for a brief moment, facefaults and recovers. Daria and Jane's eyes are glued to the tv and they don't notice it..  
  
Daria: You know all the answers to the questions on the release test, right Jane?   
  
Jane: I've got them in my notebook.   
  
Daria: Well, why don't we just take the test tomorrow and get out of the class once and for all?   
  
Jane: How would I spend my afternoons?   
  
Daria: Cryptozoology?  
  
Jane: Now you're talking.  
  
Buffy: Umm, wouldn't it be a little better if we could...  
  
Daria: Listen. I experienced way too much psychobabble back at Highland. I'm _not_ going to tolerate any more _here_. You're either with me or against me on this one.  
  
Jane: Besides, I thought you wanted to be a cheerleader, like you were at your old school. This way you can actually make the practices.  
  
Buffy: Well, If you put it _that_ way...  
  
Cut to:  
  
  
Scene: Mr. O'Niell's Self-Esteem Class. Mr. O'Niell is Lecturing. Music: _One Step Closer_, by Linkin Park  
  
Mr. O'Niell: And so, for tomorrow I want you to make a list of ten ways the world would be a sadder place if you weren't in it.   
  
Cut to an Anonymous Student.  
  
Boy: Oh, Mr. O'Niell, Mr. O'Niell?  
  
Cut Back to Mr. O'Niell.  
  
Mr. O'Niell: Yes, um... you.   
  
Cut Back to the boy.  
  
Boy: Is that if we'd never been born, or if we died suddenly and unexpectedly?   
  
Cut Back to Mr. O'Niell  
  
Mr. O'Niell: Never been born. (bell rings) See you all tomorrow! (to Daria, Jane, and Buffy) Hi! Did you need clarification on something we covered today?   
  
Cut to Daria, Jane and Buffy.  
  
Daria: We feel really good about ourselves.   
  
Buffy: Just happy all over.  
  
Jane: We want to take the graduation test.   
  
Pan back to Mr. O'Niell.  
  
Mr. O'Niell: Well! I'm glad your self-image meter is on the uptick! But there's still three more weeks of class left.   
  
Cut back to Daria, Jane, and Buffy  
  
Daria: This first week has been a real eye-opener. It must be the way you teach.   
  
Buffy: (winking) Yeah like, you're way better at this than my old guidance Mrcounselor. Smycounselor  
  
Cut Back to Mr. O'Niell.  
  
Mr. O'Niell: Oh, well... thank you very much. (to Jane) You know, Jane, at least I think it's Jane, you may probably be my greatest triumph.   
  
Cut Back to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.  
  
Daria: So can we take the test?   
  
Cut back to Mr. O'Niell.  
  
Mr. O'Niell - Well, it's not the way we usually do it, but... I guess so. (Rummages for the test and finds it.) Okay, question one: "Self-esteem is important because..."   
Cut to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.  
  
Daria: It's a quality that will stand us in good stead the rest of our lives.   
  
Cut back to Mr. O'Niell.  
  
Mr. O'Niell - Very good. Now, "The next time I start to feel bad about myself..."   
  
Cut back to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.  
  
Buffy: Stand before the mirror, look myself in the eye and say, "You are special. No one else is like you."   
  
Cut Back to Mr. O'Niell.  
  
Mr. O'Niell: You three really have been paying attention! Okay, "There's no such thing..."   
  
Cut Back to Daria, Jane and Buffy.  
  
Jane: As the right weight.   
  
Daria: Or the right height.   
  
Jane: There's only what's right for me.   
  
Buffy: Because me is who I am.   
  
Cut to Mr.O'Niell.  
  
Mr. O'Niell: I don't think we have to go any farther. I am really pleased! I think the whole school needs to hear about this at assembly this Friday!  
  
Cut to put them all in the shot.  
  
Daria: I don't know about you, Jane, but I'm starving. I want to find out if this Pizza King you keep talking about is the real deal.  
  
Jane: Sure, but you're buying this time. Hey, Buffy, want to come along?  
  
Buffy: In a minute, I have to disabuse Mr. O'Niell of a few things first.  
  
Daria: Don't take too long.  
  
Jane: Yeah, they don't reserve seats.  
  
Daria and Jane exit the shot. Tighten the shot a little.  
  
Mr. O'Niell: Well, so you finally came around. I hope you didn't reveal the secret.  
  
Buffy: Yeah, like they would believe the tripe my life has become.  
  
Mr. O'Niell: Listen Buffy, I know it's hard....  
  
Buffy: (interrupting) Hard? Try to look at this from my perspective, as you're so wont to talk about. I'm sixteen, and I'll be lucky to reach seventeen. I have to concentrate moderating my ball passing strength in P.E. lest I break someone's arm, or rib. I have a killer night job that I can't tell anyone about, especially not friends and family, and I'm constantly hounded by overage nerds who keep talking about destiny. That sounds more like unbearable.  
  
Mr. O'Niell: Well, can definitely understand how you could feel miffed. But listen, it's only two nights a week. I'll even come by from time to time with hot chocolate.  
  
Buffy: Won't the night watchmen get wise?  
  
Mr: O'Niell: What night watchmen?  
  
Buffy: Listen, I don't care about this stupid destiny stuff. If I meet a vampire, I'll stake it, or behead it, or do whatever, but don't make me take the graveyard shift unless you _really_ want to make me grouchy in the morning. Oh, and if I see you anywhere off school grounds, I'll come out of the closet, and drag you out with me. Understand?  
  
Mr. O'Niell Swollows.  
  
Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria, Jane, and Buffy on Daria's Bed.  
  
  
Scene: Establishing nighttime exterior shot of Lawndale High. Cut to the auditorium. On Stage, At the Podium is Principal Li. Daria, Jane, and Buffy are sitting in the background with the faculty, right next to Mr. O'Niell. Music: _All Star_ by Smash Mouth.  
  
Ms. Li: And once again, the bake sale was a tremendous success. We raised more than $400, which was subsequently stolen from the office, but I am confident we will get that money back. In a related note, the school nurse will be visiting homerooms tomorrow to collect DNA samples. Now, Mr. O'Niell has exciting news about our after-school self-esteem class.   
  
Zoom in to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.  
  
Daria: This is really going to help me gradually ease into student life.   
  
Jane: Usually when I have this dream I'm wearing pink taffeta.  
  
Buffy: I'm more likely to dream of zombies wearing football uniforms myself.  
  
Cut back to the Podium, where Mr. O'Niell is up on stage.  
  
Mr. O'Niell: Thank you. You know, self-esteem is a little like your car's brake fluid. You may not even know you're low on it until one day you go to shift gears and nothing happens.   
  
Kid: (Off Screen) That's transmission fluid!   
  
(tittering and catcalls from audience)   
  
Mr. O'Niell: That's... what I said. Anyway, I'd like you to meet three students who have completed our self-esteem course faster than anyone ever before! Please join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of self-esteem to... Daria Morgendorffer, Jane Lane and Buffy Summers.  
  
(meager applause)   
  
Cut to Jane  
  
Jane: Oh, what the hell. (stepping up to podium)   
  
(meager applause dies)   
  
Jane: I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem. (glances at Daria, smirks) On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad like a big failure or something. (audience tittering) I, uh, I want to go home. (sobs and runs off stage)   
  
(audience laughs)   
  
Cut to Mr. O' Niell  
  
Mr. O'Niell: Daria, wait! (runs after Jane)   
  
Cut to Daria.  
  
Daria: (stepping up to podium) No one can battle a terrible problem like low self-esteem on their own. It takes good coaching...   
  
Cut to the audience, where we find the heckler, his friend Corey, and Quinn.  
  
Guy: Who cares about these losers?   
  
Corey: Hey, beats algebra, though, doesn't it? (chortles) Did you hear what I said, Quinn? I said, like, who cares how bad this is -- it's still better than algebra!   
  
Guy: That's good, Corey. (cackles)   
  
Quinn: Funny. That's funny, Corey.   
  
Cut back to Daria.  
  
Daria : ... realize my actuality. Winning the fight against low self-esteem takes support... from teachers, from friends and most of all, from family.   
  
Cut back to Corey and Quinn.  
  
Corey: Is that loser still talking? (cackles)   
  
Cut back to Daria.  
  
Daria: And so the one person I'd like to thank more than any other is my very own sister, Quinn Morgendorffer. My sister Quinn has forgotten more about self-esteem than I'll ever know. Are you out there, sis? Stand up and let me thank you.   
  
Cut to Quinn, who facefaults and tries to hide. Cut back to the podium. Daria has just stepped down and Buffy is stepping up to the microphone.  
  
Buffy: Boy, this is wonderful to be here. I had this feeling of relief ever since I regained my self-esteen. I 'm feeling shallower by the second. Any minute now, I might just be ready to join the Fashion Club, and rule Lawndale like I did Hemery before the circumstances that led to my expulsion... Uh-oh! (Facefaluts and ducks under the podium as shoes come flying onstage at her.)  
  
Cut to Joyce in the audience.  
  
Joyce: (Thought Voice-Over) Looks like my little girl's new friends are rubbing off on her. She's never shown this sense of humor before..  
  
Cut to Daria, Helen, and Jake.  
  
Helen: Daria, I don't believe this.  
  
Jake: Yeah, you really whipped that self-esteem problem and sure made a monkey out of us.  
  
Helen: Daria, we remember out agreement. Is there anywhere you _ really_ want to go to?  
  
Daria: (Eyes Shifting too and fro) Actually, there _is _this one place...  
  
Cut to:  
  
  
Scene: Establishing exterior shot of the Texas Bigfoot Museum, the sun low in the horizon, but not yet setting. Cut to Daria and Jane looking at a plaster cast of a hypothetical foot of a sasquatch. Music: _ Ain't It Funny_ by Jennifer Lopez  
  
Jane: This is going to really swell my sketchbook.  
  
Daria: And who knows? There might even be a few escaped Orangutans and Chimps out there augmenting the bears and drunken muddy campers that make up most of the sightings.  
  
Jane: Yeah. As many as 5% of this stuff doesn't come from hoaxers.  
  
Pan over to Jake, Helen, and Quinn.  
  
Quinn: Mo-om! I want to go home!  
  
Jake: Don't worry, kiddo, it's supposed to close in an hour.  
  
Helen: Then we'll take you to Chez Pierre.  
  
Quinn: But Jeffy promised to drive me there for my date with Michael! Why coudn't I just stay home?  
  
Helen: Because fourteen is just too young for you to stay in the house on your own.  
  
Jake: (staring, points) Helen, take a look at _that_!  
  
Quinn wanders out of the shot. Cut to Quinn looking bored at the lobby, the final rays of the sun blazing in from the windows.  
  
Voice: Hi, I'm John. You're Cool.  
  
Quinn looks in the direction of the voice, and smiles. Pan to a handsome young man in a gorilla costume cradling the mask under his elbow. Cut to Daria and Jane.  
  
Jane: Daria, why didn't Buffy come? Her mom _did_ sign off on this little field trip too.  
  
Daria: I donno. She said something about important business she needed to take care of downtown back in Lawndale.  
  
Cut to:  
  
Scene: The alley behind the Zen. Buffy and some anonymous vampire are fighting it out in that inimitable Buffy style. Buffy grounds the vamp and stakes him, then dusts herself off. Music: _Rise_ by The Cult.  
  
Buffy: (Walking out of the alley) Well, now he can't say I did nothing.  
  
Roll Credits. Maintain the song.  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
The Characters of Buffy Anne Summers, Joyce Summers, Liam "Angel" O'Roarke, and the concepts of the Vampire Slayer, the Watcher, and the Watchers' Council are the creation of Joss Whedon and copyright him, Mutant Enemy, Incorporated, and Kazui and Kazui Productions, Distributed by Time Warner AOL and Universal-Paramount, Incorporated. The Character of Mr. Anderson is the creation of Mike Judge and Copyright MTV Studios. The remaining characters, the setting, and much of the scenario are the creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and copyright MTV Studios. The use of these copyrights is not to be construed as a challenge to them.  
  
Permission is Granted to repost, redistribute, or retransmit this piece in any shape or form, provided that this disclaimer remains intact, the author(s) receive proper credit, and no one receives financial remuneration except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, Mike Judge, Joss Whedon, Viacom (The Parent of MTV Studios), Mutant Enemy, Incorporated, or Kazui and Kazui Productions.  
  
Explanation:  
  
Seven years ago, as I was finishing up my Senior Year at Murray State University, I was often up late nights studying in the lobby at my dorm, watching TV. That spring, two shows debuted within days of each other, both featuring the metaphor of High School as hell. Those two shows, _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ and _Daria_. At the time, I didn't feel much impressed at the former, dismissing it as just another "Cash In" spinnoff created to exploit the fans of the original movie, a la _Uncle Buck_ , _Ferris Beuller_, _Private Benjamin_, and _Working Girl_ . When I heard that Buffy was going to die at the end of Season Five and be resurrected at the beginning of Season Six, I yawned, and thought to myself that the producers really _did_ have no shame. Meanwhile, I fell in love with _Daria_, if not Daria herself, continuing to identify with her as I had during her run on _Beavis and Butt-Head, and_ continuing to find people like those I knew and went to middle and high school with among the faculty, staff and student body.  
  
It took until very recently, last October to be exact, when I got satellite TV, for me to appreciate Buffy. What happened was that I was randomly channel surfing on Halloween, when I came upon a _Buffy_ marathon on FX. When I saw the episodes "Passion," "Becoming, Parts 1 and 2," and especially "The Gift," I was absolutely blown away. I began following it regularly, and the more I watched it, the more captivated I was.  
  
The most proximate cause of this story was my rereading of Caria's _ Sculptures_ , along with Wyvern337's _The Chosen One_ and Jeff Cuscutis' _Quinn the Vampire Slayer_, when I suddenly realized that no one had ever written a fic about sending Daria to Sunnydale, or Buffy to Lawndale(Or Highland). Then my muse clobbered me over the head with a baseball bat fit for a firbolg giant, and I quickly came out with not one, but two broad plotlines for crossover series. Actually, for the latter (This one) I had to recall something I had posted on the Paperpusher's Message Board and Alt.Games.Whitewolf in order to make the crossover work better. My hat's off to my official collaborator Thea Zara, and to my Beta Readers Robert Nowall (BTW Robert, I'm still not yet done with TNTS), Kristin the Angel, J (the Incubus) and Greystar, and also Jay Osako, author of the _Sick, Sad World of Darkness_ series, without which this would be much duller.  



End file.
